The Cleveland Guardians Need a New Name
It's a case of mistake in identity.
Once again a new baseball season is upon us and once again the team from Cleveland needs a new name.
Last year, after decades of protest and controversy, the Cleveland Indians shed their century-old identity and were reborn as the noble Cleveland Guardians.
This change was a long time coming. It was getting a little too ironic for a team called the Cleveland Indians to be playing at a ballpark called Progressive Field.
The impact was immediate: ninety-two wins, the third-best record in the American League, and a division title.
But those are just numbers and this is baseball—the sport where the stats don’t matter.
The true key takeaway from the Guardians’ inaugural season is that, despite their success on the field, they had little success in the bleachers and ultimately finished 25th in attendance. This is according to OutKick — a “fearless sports media company” that is “kicking woke sports... to the curb”1 — who submit that Cleveland’s “poor attendance” is because “fans are still upset about the name change enacted before the season.”
Clearly, this is the only explanation.
Clearly, this is not a broader problem impacting the entire league.
Clearly, it doesn’t matter that Cleveland’s attendance was actually higher the year after the name change than it was the year before the name change.
Clearly, the people of Cleveland must all just be fragile snowflakes who have forsaken their franchise because they can’t handle one measly new syllable.
And clearly, something must be done about this. After all, if attendance keeps on slipping, there may not be any baseball team in Cleveland.
The only solution here, it seems, is to find another new name—a name that works for everybody.
It may be crazy, but it’s not unprecedented. Before the franchise became the Indians, they cycled through five different names in 15 years. No shame in not getting it right on the first try. After all, this name-change idea was always going to be a near-impossible task... a near-impossible task that everybody wanted to take a crack at.
When the Indians announced they were renaming the team, speculation surrounding new team identities was wild and endless. Suggestions poured in from every corner of the Internet—of which there are infinite. The ideas were bountiful. The takes were hot.
Perhaps some good ideas from the time were overlooked?
Out With The Old
Mostly, people just wanted to revisit older names tied to the history of Cleveland baseball, like the Lake Shores, Spiders, Bronchos, Bluebirds, and Naps.
And while this instinctually makes sense and all of these ideas are well-intentioned, unfortunately, they are also all stone-cold duds. The foremost reason is that the great people of Cleveland have already rejected each of these names at some point in the past.
But each name also individually fails on the merits.
Is there anything more uneventful than a lake shore—unburdened by waves or even the gentle ebb of the tides? Spiders may seem exciting, but they are neither particularly intimidating or sympathetic. And a Broncho—which is just a more amusing way of spelling Bronco—is right out since the NFL has exclusive rights over all equine nicknames.
The conventional wisdom of modern internet culture dictates that the team must ironically change its name to the Cleveland Naps. But while this is, by far, the best historical name option, it would undoubtedly be torpedoed by the Commissioner’s Office which is in the middle of its own rebranding effort after a few (million) people got the idea that baseball might be boring.
Fowl Territory
While Bluebirds is interesting, it’s also spoken for. However, the Greater Cleveland area is native to several even more offbeat birds worth looking into.
The Cleveland Cooper’s Hawks is adequately specific and ferocious, but unfortunately presents a “Ruth’s Chris” problem, which is fatal. Obviously, if they had any common sense, they’d become the Cleveland Common Loons. The Cleveland Crossbills has a night ring to it, but, crosses (aka “religion”) and bills (aka “politics”) — in this economy? Talk about a lame duck. The Cleveland Ovenbirds could also be fun, but let’s talk turkey: there may just be too many bird nicknames out there.
There are the Bluejays, yes, but also the Cardinals and Orioles. Beyond baseball, we have the Ravens, Eagles, Falcons, Hawks, Seahawks, Ducks, Penguins, Thrashers, and Pelicans. And if you really wanna get wild, the Blackhawks, Redwings, and Flyers.
Fool of Rock
At the time of the last name change, another group of fans had an idea that was even more inside the box. They hoped for something a little more hip and were ultimately really, truly, sincerely upset that the team was not renamed the Cleveland Rockers.
To understand the genesis of this bad idea, all you need to know is that Cleveland is home to both the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and a spurious claim that the city “invented rock and roll”. That’s it.
Not only would this have resulted in a league with both the Rockers and the Rockies, but just imagine the relentless guitar imagery hanging around the team’s neck: A stadium full of underwhelming musical memorabilia plastered on the walls next to grungy stenciled paintings of Bret Michaels and Tommy Lee. A restaurant-slash-concession stand in the centerfield market pavilion called the Hard Ball Cafe. Karaoke between innings on Tuesday nights.
It all would have been excruciatingly on the nose—which is, ironically, exactly what Cleveland was trying to draw attention away from.
Speaking of overly offensive stereotypes, the Rockers would also share a name with former Cleveland reliever and flagrantly public racist, John Rocker. And that’s not even mentioning how Rockers was already the name of Cleveland’s now-defunct WNBA team, or the most indefensible weakness of the Rockers name, which is that it’s a synonym for rocking chair. The insults would come very easily. And very lazily. But who are you to criticize laziness when your team’s ethos is rest?
The only path wherein this name works is to boldly become the Cleveland Rock.
And while there’s precedent to do musical genre names, the concept is a little too airy and intangible for a team called Rock. A proper team needs a more concrete name. Literally. The Cleveland Rock would have to be named after some solid mass of geological materials. Not a genre, but granite. A stone-cold rock. 🪨
But who are we kidding? This is a rocky idea if there ever was one. And trying to make something like this a reality? Sisyphean.
The Guardin’ Path
So what names are left?
Clearly, Cleveland can’t possibly stick it out as the Guardians… right?
Clearly, the fans are too fragile to withstand this rebranding… right?
I mean, sure, the name is a clever and thoughtful reference to iconic city monuments on the Hope Memorial Bridge that tower over the ballpark.
And yes, the bridge itself is sort of this long-standing municipal symbol connecting the east and west sides of the city that leads to the foot of the stadium.
And sure, the Guardians name somehow manages to be intimidating, yet inoffensive... novel, but familiar... refreshing, but steeped in local history.
And obviously, a great deal of thought and care went into choosing this name.
Yes, including the logos and wordmarks which are modeled off the geometry of the statues and bridge.
And sure, the name Guardians was chosen to reflect the people of Cleveland’s “fierce loyalty, unwavering support, and a resolve to stand side by side through thick and thin.”
But, on the other hand, there is this movie called Guardians of the Galaxy which makes it… silly?
Another theory from disappointed fans is that the front office never actually cared about the name change and lazily swapped Indians for Guardians because they wanted to preserve the “-ians” suffix.
And whether this is true, it might just be the answer Cleveland is looking for. A new nickname that will satisfy every last crying fan. A snappy, modern name that’s linked to both the history of the team and the city.
The Cleveland Guardians, formerly the Cleveland Indians, must now become:
The Cleveland Ians.
You know Ians. They’re like Karens.
An “Ian” is one of those vaguely British punk rockers who have a piercing and a wild haircut and demonstrate their non-conformity by wearings sunglasses and a leather jacket regardless of the weather. You know—Ians!
And the best part is they already have the logo:
I’m sure that Mohawk won’t be a problem. ⚑
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Finally!