What is Arcturus? (Other Than The New COVID-19 Subvariant XBB.1.16)
The naming of the flu.
I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but the new COVID-19 variant is here. And all I can say is… gee whiz, these things are getting hard to keep track of! This one is officially called the Omicron subvariant XBB.1.16. But since that doesn’t mean anything to us normies, they refer to it simply as Arcturus. The only problem is that Arcturus is already a thing. In fact, Arcturus is already a lot of things.
Arcturus is…
NASA’s next moon mission.
A high-end brand of ski jacket.
The villain from the next Justice League movie.
The short robot from Daft Punk.
The favorite to win this year’s Preakness Stakes.
One of James Cameron’s submarines.
That Pokemon your kid keeps talking about.
The leader of that sex cult from that documentary.
The spell Harry Potter uses to get the remote when it’s across the room.
Richard Branson’s chocolate lab.
The WWE Intercontinental Champion.
The only high-hold styling gel trusted by Criss Angel.
An investment fund that focuses on emerging markets.
A Russian mercenary group.
The new single from the band Muse.
The rabbit my uncle, The Great Bandini, uses in his magic act.
Greta Thunberg’s middle name.
Jared Leto’s safe word.
Julian Assange’s Substack.
The Great Bandini’s home WiFi network.
The name of that owl Drake puts on everything.
The password to The Great Bandini’s home WiFi network.
A bird-like dinosaur from the Cretaceous period.
The password to The Great Bandini’s email.
The brand of disposable ice pack that ships with your HelloFresh.
The password to The Great Bandini’s computer.
A biotech firm specializing in clinical gene therapy.
The password to The Great Bandini’s password manager.
Nissan’s new crossover SUV.
The voice—the voice that calls to The Great Bandini in the night, its echoes blurring the border between the dream world and waking life.
A weapons system that James Bond once disabled.
A word discovered by The Great Bandini to be crudely carved inside his trunk of magical artifacts.
A high-performance beer cooler.
The incantation reluctantly uttered by The Great Bandini.
The world’s first nootropic and adaptogenic hard seltzer.
The tormenting howl that burst forth from the ancient trunk, passing through The Great Bandini with wretched phantasmic glee.
An ultra-light titanium road bike.
The demonic scourge possessing the meat puppet formerly known as my uncle, The Great Bandini.
And the new scent by Johnny Depp. ⚑
Service Suspended at Pen Station
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